Cultivate Your Passion
Bestselling author Cal Newport says “Follow your passion” is horrible advice. Instead, he teaches people to “cultivate your passion.”
Most people don’t know their “passions” until they actually do the work. I liked cowboys when I was a kid, but when I got older, I realized it’s a whole lot more about heat, hay, and manure than it is shooting guns and wrangling bad guys.
The things you do a lot of, you get good at, and what you’re good at, you start to like. That’s how accountants can be “passionate” about numbers… they’re good at them, so their job moves from drudgery to joy.
Jesus told us, “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” In other words, “Cultivate your passion.” Your heart follows what you pour time and effort into.
Jesus taught it in terms of eternal things, but when it comes to marriage, you can lay up your treasure in your spouse, too. That takes the skill of love. Not the emotional highs of what this culture calls love, but the action of love that the Bible calls charity.
You can’t expect that passion to happen all on its own. Just like accounting is a skill, so is marriage, and the skill you are to practice is selfless love.
When you’re dating, the relationship doesn’t feel like work, right? But look at what draws people together. It’s a focus on one another. It’s attention. It’s time. It’s gifts. It’s kind words. It’s affection. It’s laughter. It’s joy. It’s charity.
I put together a chart on the next page that shows the trendlines of some marriages as we discussed in the first couple of sermons in our series. Sometimes a couple STARTS great, and while they dated, they were madly in love! But something changes in marriages that get into trouble when they stop intentionally loving one another. The graph shows two lines of SKILL and ENJOYMENT. At the beginning of the marriage, the skill is high—each has been focusing on the other to try to express love—but if that STOPS at marriage, the enjoyment craters.
That first dip takes the marriage from an ENJOYABLE ENERGY (above the yellow dotted line) to a PAINFUL ENERGY (below the line).
Some marriages never recover, or they spend waaaay too long below that line. The “SKILL” might go up over time—he reads a marriage book, she learns a communication skill, he helps out around the house more, she nags a little less—but until there is near CONSTANT EFFORT in those dry seasons, they will never get above the line.
Sometimes there are long seasons where one spouse is pouring a LOT of energy into improving his or her skill, but, still, neither spouse gains any enjoyment. There’s too much history of neglect or pain. DON’T GIVE UP.
That long stretch of red—where it feels like a stagnant marriage even when there’s “above the line” efforts—it WILL pay off if you stick with it.
You might have a few setbacks, a few dips along the way, but if Christians will love their spouse like Christ loved the church, I believe any marriage can have “above the line” enjoyment.
The TIPPING POINT in marriage happens when you cross that line. It’s like when our kids were learning to read… it was hard for a while until it “clicked,” then, it opened up a whole new world of words! Or, when I was learning guitar, it took several years of practice before it dawned on me, “I really enjoy this!” I could make music without the STRAIN that practicing used to bring me.
In marriage “practice,” some seasons might feel like you’re slogging through. You’re in it because God told you to be, and no other reason. It’s a pain and a strain, and you’re not sure if you should keep going.
I say, never stop! Love him like Christ loves you. Love her like Christ loves you. Once you cross that line, it’s not like your marriage becomes perfect, but the energy that you pour into it is enjoyable!
Hiking is about survival if you’re out of shape (painful energy: “*GASP! I can’t breathe!”), but once you’re fit, it’s an invigorating view at the top. When you’re learning a new language, it’s draining when you can’t understand (painful energy: “They’re speaking too fast!”), but once you know enough to get around, you’re no longer translating, you’re just communicating. That’s enjoyable.
Become “fluent in marriage.” It still takes energy, but it is the rejuvenating kind. Cultivate your marriage so you can get above the line.
-Pastor Ryan