The following thoughts come from a book called His Needs, Her Needs, written first in the 1970s and recently updated (the updates made it worse!). It is written by a Christian, but is not as much of a Bible study as it is a survey of many marriages that came to him for counseling. Despite its flaws, the book’s main points are worth considering in your own marriage. We already talked about intimacy in marriage, which is physical, but also affects areas such as affection and intimate conversation.
Tonight, we will try to cover seven more areas! These are taken from the Scripture’s command to love one another as you would like to be loved. Ephesians 5:28–33; Matthew 22:37–40; Matthew 7:12.
H_________________ and O_________________
1 Identify your household and childcare tasks.
2 Assume responsibility for some tasks.
3 Assign tasks that you’re willing to do only if they’re done together.
4 Decide who wants the task done the most.
5 Assign the remaining tasks to the one who wants them done the most.
6 Get help from others, eliminate tasks, and get eight hours of sleep every night.
7 Indicate how happy you would be with your spouse’s help.
8 Help your spouse where your effort is most appreciated.
A_________________ and A_________________
1 List what builds or destroys admiration and appreciation in terms of your own top-5:
2 Eliminate criticism.
3 Address behaviors that destroy admiration and appreciation, and lean into the ones that build.
From Willard Harley:
The Irresistible Man
A husband can make himself irresistible to his wife by learning to meet her five most important emotional needs, the following being statistically most common.
- Her husband tells her that he cares for her with words, cards, flowers, gifts, and common courtesies. He hugs and kisses her many times each day, creating an environment of affection that clearly and repeatedly expresses his care for her.
- Intimate conversation. He sets aside time every day to talk to her. They may talk about events in their lives, their children, their feelings, or their plans. But whatever the topic, she enjoys the conversation because it is never demanding, judgmental, or angry but always informative and constructive. She talks to him as much as she would like, and he responds with interest. He is never too busy to “just talk.” The way he talks to her conveys his caring love for her.
- Honesty and openness. He tells her everything about himself, leaving nothing out that might surprise her later. He describes his positive and negative feelings, events of his past, his daily schedule, and his plans for the future. He never leaves her with a false impression and is truthful about his thoughts, feelings, intentions, and behavior.
- Financial support. He assumes the responsibility to house, feed, and clothe the family. If his income is insufficient to provide essential support, he resolves the problem by upgrading his skills to increase his salary. He does not work long hours, keeping himself from his wife and family, but is able to provide necessary support by working a forty- to fifty-hour week. While he encourages his wife to pursue a career if it is her desire, he does not depend on her salary for family living expenses.
- Family commitment. He commits sufficient time and energy to the moral and educational development of the children. He reads to them, engages in sports with them, and takes them on frequent outings. He reads books and attends lectures with his wife on the subject of child development so they will do a good job training the children. They discuss training methods and objectives until they agree. He does not proceed with any plan of training or discipline without her approval and recognizes that his care of the children is critically important to her.
When a woman finds a man who meets her five most important emotional needs, she will find him irresistible.
The Irresistible Woman
A wife can make herself irresistible to her husband by learning to meet his five most important emotional needs, the following being statistically most common.
- Physical fulfillment. His wife meets this need by understanding what brings out the best in herself; then she shares this information with him, and together they learn to have a relationship that they both find repeatedly satisfying and enjoyable.
- Recreational companionship. She develops an interest in the recreational activities he likes most and tries to become proficient at them. If she finds she cannot enjoy them, she encourages him to consider other activities that they can do together. She becomes his favorite recreational companion, and he associates her with his most enjoyable moments of relaxation.
- Physical attractiveness. She keeps herself physically fit and cares about her appearance in a way that her husband finds attractive.
- Domestic support. She contributes to a home environment that offers a refuge from the stresses of life and encourages quality family time spent at home.
- Admiration and appreciation. She respects and appreciates him more than anyone else. She reminds him of his value and achievements and helps him maintain self-confidence. She avoids criticizing him. She is proud of him not out of duty but based on a profound respect and appreciation for the man she has come to know better than anyone else.
When a man finds a woman who meets his five most important emotional needs, he will find her irresistible.
…I have been saying all along in this book that while both men and women share most of the ten basic needs, the order of their priorities is usually different. The top five needs of men are usually the bottom five of women, and the top five of women are usually the bottom five of men. When you indicate clearly the priority of your needs to your spouse, they can invest energy and attention where they do you the most good.
Harley, Willard F. . His Needs, Her Needs: Making Romantic Love Last (How to Identify and Satisfy 10 Vital Needs in Your Marriage. A Practical Relationship Guide for Couples) (pp. 195-198). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
The second area that you can give is in C_________________. James 3.
- I______________, I______________, U______________,
- What interests the O______________?
- U______________ A______________
Don’t hinder this communication!